I Can Haz Obligations

We all have obligations. This is a horrible fact of life. Many people use your sense of right and wrong to guilt you and manipulate you into things you don't want to do or pay for (eg, church functions, child support). In other words, obligations. These people keep you down, and when you want to get up, they never just slap you down, they're more insidious than that. They use guilt to keep you down.

Exactly like a big, fat, purring, cat that settles on your lap and gets offended when you get up off the couch.

Then when the darkness comes, with its vampire bats, this seemingly harmless kitty joins in the spiritual melée, helping drain you of your precious lifeblood. Bad kitty!

How do you banish this bad kitty from your lap? Shove it off before it settles in!

But how does it get on your lap in the first place? It gets in your lap when you stop for "just a small rest" from following the Tao, or way.

Whenever stray from your Way, you stop focusing on You, and that's when the Big Fat, Purring Cat of Obligation (ObliCat) sees a comfy resting place—your Soul Lap—and it slinks on top of it. When you try to move it and be on your Way, it looks up at you with big, cutesy-wutesy eyes and purrs. Who wants to move that fuzzy-wuzzy, voozhy-woozhy pussykins, right? Then before you know it, you're stuck. And then darkness falls. Then the vampire bats swoosh down on you, but you can't move! And you're saddled by family, work, and charity! Oh, what a world!

But there is hope. Keep moving forward on the road to self-fulfillment. Don't let that kitty slink on to your Soul Lap.

But what if you've stopped for a rest? If there is no ObliCat currently on your Soul Lap, at least sit in a way that is uninviting. For example, if your pastor asks you to teach Sunday School, you might ask him, "How much does it pay?" He won't ask you for anything again! (You can use that when friends ask you to help them move, too! I can tell you I do! LOL!) I do it and no one asks me to do a thing! Just a couple of court orders, but that's all! I am on the Way of Jim! Er, Tao! LOL!

But what if you already have an ObliCat or ObliCats on your Soul Lap? Turn your Soul Lap into a SLap(tm)! SLap 'em off(tm)! They'll hiss at you, swipe at you, and sue you, but once you're done you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

And then you can start back on that Yellow Brick Road to see the Wonderful Wizard of You.

Happy travels!




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Achievement

Many people, maybe even you, think that you are your achievements.

Drive a stake right through that vampire bat!

Repeat after me: You (but substitute "I") are (substitute "am") not your (substitute "my") achievements. It's a good thing, because your achievements are meaningless. You have a bowling average of 210. Tell it to the ball polisher. You have the highest batting average in your softball league. So what? Your kids play hardball. You got an A- on your 4th grade math test, finally proving you understood long division. My childhood crush Kristine didn't care. She only liked boys who were good at sports.

My point is, no one cares. No one cares about your ridiculous achievements.

You're sad because you never became a rock star? You're 45 and never picked up a guitar.

So you see, there's no point in achieving anything. Or striving to achieve anything. Unless there is money involved. In which case, the achievement has practical value. Or if you have achieved really great things, like Jonas Salk curing polio, or the JONAS Brothers, you are safe in identifying with your achievements.

So go for it! Achieve nothing!

Coming soon: Achieve more!

Stop Hitting Yourself!

I often feel as if the universe is hitting me repeatedly in the head, with every job loss, every breakup, and every fraud conviction. I am sure you feel the same way sometimes.

What I realized, however, is that the truth is much more surprising. The Universe is like a bully who repeatedly pummels me with my own hand and says, "Why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself."

However, when I turn to confront my tormentor, I see no one there. Just my own hand, beating myself bloody. And then I laugh.




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Get up!

Shove the Big Fat Purring Cat of Obligation from your lap and enjoy life!


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Addicted to Love

In my "practice," I see quite a few people who are literally "addicted" to love. They cannot go without it for even one day. If their partner goes out of town on business or a fact-finding trip to Aruba, they immediately get sad and despondent. They want to talk to that person on the phone, or by email, or by carrier pigeon the entire time I'm away. They even want to tag along! They'll cry, "What facts are you finding in Aruba, anyway? Maybe I'd like to go, too! Have you thought about that? Have you thought about MY feelings for once?" It's really too much.

Truly, this addiction to love is a HUGE vampire bat, and it is pervasive in this on-the-go society, where everything is sold for one purpose. To make money. But besides that, to sell love. For money. These things—whether it's diamond rings, beer, or Shamwow—we believe, will bring us our love.

If love is an addiction, how do we break it? Cold turkey, like heroin. Lock yourself in a room with no windows or doors but 5 high-powered halogen lights. Stay like that for three weeks or until hunger sets in. You will be cured of your love addiction and, as a bonus, you will see dead people! The blindness is temporary.

But really, the best way to stop is to never start. And this is where you come in, mama and papa. You think you should provide love to your child whenever he wants it. Wrong, wrong, wrong. That way lies dependency and a life of prostitution in a vain attempt to make love, and money. Withhold that love and only bestow it on special occasions like hitting a home run in Little League or bringing home straight As. That's what my parents did, and look at me now!

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Daydream in the Moment?

Yesterday is but a memory, and as we have seen in Blade Runner, memories can be manufactured.

The future is but a frightening dystopia.

Therefore, the only answer is to live in the present. It's the only thing you know is real. Unless that's manufactured, too. Or frighteningly dystopic. In which case, it might be better to live in the past. Unless that was frightening. Or you can do what I do. Daydream!

People think that daydreaming is not living in the moment. But you can't daydream in the past or the future, right?

I say daydream your life away!

Nothing Succeeds Like Success!

People frequently ask me sometimes, "Do you learn more from success or failure?" The answer might not be so obvious. Most people will say failure. They assume that after failure we go over it, think about what went wrong and why, deriving some sort of "lesson."

This goes against reality. When you fail, what do you think? "I'm a failure, I'm worthless, I want to crawl in a cave a die." Right? How do you learn anything that way?

No, my friends, it's easier to learn when you succeed. Because then you're all "I'm great! I rock! Look at me, Ma, top o' the world, Ma! I will always succeed and nothing bad will ever happen to me!" That puts you in a much better frame of mind for self-reflection and learning. This is also why cokeheads are usually successful people.

Succeed succeed, succeed, and soon you'll have success!

The Tao Doesn't Lead to Bat Caves

The Tao, or Way, is endless; therefore, it cannot have dead ends, like bat caves. If you find yourself in a bat cave, being drained of your lifeblood by vampire bats, you have strayed from the Tao.

The Horrible Truth

Each of us has a horrible truth at the core of our being. Our job as humans is to avoid it. Because it is horrible.


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Guided meditation

This is an inner transcript of a self-guided meditation I recently conducted on myself.

Okay, you're floating on water, in the middle of the ocean. All is peaceful. You're just being taken by the currents. Feel the undulating waves beneath you, carrying you nowhere in particular. Enjoy it, embrace it. You're on your back, looking at the sun. Feel the sun's warmth, radiating all around you, except for the part that's underwater. Feel the coolness of the water on your back. Feel it. It's salty. Now back to feeling the warmth of the sun. Feel the UV rays penetrate your skin. Feel your skin turn red and blister. Feel your skin peel. You forgot to put on your sunscreen. Turn over. You are now looking down into the depths of the ocean. The depths go on and on and on. For thousands and thousands of feet. If you were to drown, no one would ever find you. See the depths.

What do you see? You see black. Black depths. But coming out of the depths, you see sea turtles, glowing starfish, seahorses, giant squid, fish. You see schools of thousands of fish. See the fish. See the whales. See them feeding on the fish. Feel the crushing of thousands of fish lives. You see jellyfish, thousands of jellyfish, drifting toward you. Feel their loving tentacles stinging you. Feel the sunburn on your front, feel the jellyfish stinging on your back.

Turn over again. Feel the salt water go into the cracks of your skin, burning you from the inside. Taste the salt water in your mouth. Feel your lips cracking. Taste the blood from your lips mixing with the salt water in your mouth. Do you feel it? Good. Taste the iron and the salt.

You see something in the distance, just below the horizon. It's a barge. You drift closer to it. What do you see? People. Crew members. They see you. They are running about, what do they do? See the life preserver they toss to you. They lower a dinghy into the water to save you. How do you feel? Do you feel safe?

You feel something brush up against you in the water. You see fins. You feel teeth on your arm tearing your flesh. Feel the tearing. You feel your arm, but it has been torn off by the shark. Feel the phantom arm. What else do you feel? Sharks ripping your legs off? Do they pull you under? What are the men from the barge doing? Shooting at the sharks? Do they accidentally shoot you? Feel the blood flowing into the sea. See the sharks flock to you. Feel the frenzy. Feel the teeth rip into your spleen. See the black fall over you. Do you see a light?

And slowly open your eyes.

Please feel free to record this to use for your own self-guided meditations. Namaste!

Don't mess with the verse, yo.

Don't fight the universe. It's a fight you can't win. You go against the universe, the universe will wipe the pavement with you. And the shards of glass lodged in your ass? Karma. Don't do it. Just do what the universe says. Put down the crobar and back off. The universe will let you go on your Way if you just don't fight it. It'll give you three steps, mister. I don't know why you gotta constantly pick a fight with the universe.

You're always startin' trouble, taking jobs you hate, marrying women (or men) who are bad for you, havin' kids you never wanted... How many times does the universe gotta whack you back in line? When are you gonna learn? What has to happen? Does the universe have to really mess you up? Don't make the universe hurt you. The universe doesn't want to hurt you, baby. Now git outta here and go quit your job...leave your wife (or husband) and the kids! Recapture the life you always wanted and the universe will treat you right.

Your Very Own Red Carpet

As you watch the stars walk on the red carpet, you may wish that you could walk your very own red carpet, with all the attendant glory and adulation.

Did you know, though, that you have your very own red carpet? Mm-hm. It's true. It's called the Tao. In verse 21, Lao Tse writes, "Harmony is only in following the Way." The Way is like a red carpet rolled out in front of you, waiting for you to follow it. And if you do, you will reap incredible rewards. (not Awards.)

But first, sometimes the carpet is in a straight line. Other times, it may go through jungles, mountains, and under water before you get your rewards. Here are some of the places my red carpet has gone:

• Mount Everest
• The Urals
  
• Angola
• Sahara Desert
• North Dakota
• Belfast
• Arctic Ocean
• Snakepit
• Turf war in South Central LA

And I have found out recently that the reward is in the journey. I think I'm going to have a talk with the universe.

Are you Dumb or Dumber?

I've been thinking of Dumb and Dumber and how it teaches us about the Tao.

Three quarters of the way through, Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels become lost in the middle of Nebraska, having gone the opposite way of Aspen, where they hope to change their lives.

In times of trouble, who are you? Jim Carrey, who wants to move forward on the path to his ultimate destination? Or Jeff Daniels, who wants to spend as much energy to give up and go back home?

The point is, be Jim Carrey! Keep moving forward! He's the star!

Although, Jim Carrey was the one who got the pair off their way. And they ended up stranded in the desert, worse off than if they'd stayed in Providence.

And! They didn't get on the bus with the bikini models. So...the point is...the Tao wants you to get on that bus with the bikini models and rub tanning lotion on them!

You Are Enough!

If there is one idea I want you to take home and put under your pillow at night, it is this: you are enough.

Yes, you are enough. Although, I have been made aware recently that there are times when being enough may not be enough. For example, buying a luxury car or luxury home. Or a small island or skyscraper or a $5,000 call girl or $15,000 bail. In those cases, you are enough, you just don't have enough. And you won't have the island or the skyscraper. But you will have to spend the next 30 days in lockup.

In fact, I saw on TV that the Bible said somewhere that those who have, get more, and the poor get screwed out of what little they already have.

So the answer is simple: you don't need to be more. You need to have more!

So how do you get more, and will it be enough? How much is enough? Well, I don't know, but I do know some great news. You can have everything you want! Love! Skyscrapers! Bail! You can have it all!* So if there's one message I want you to take home and put under your pillow at night, it's this: Have more!

(*In limited quantities. The universe makes no guarantees regarding the quality of all you have. What the universe provides you may or may not be in close proximity to your physical presence on earth. It may or may not be in your physical possession. The universe is not liable for any or all ironic results of having it all, including but not limited to: ennui, taxes, hubris, sexually transmitted diseases, depression, oddness, newfound awareness of spiritual emptiness, or mooching friends who abandon you when you lose it all.)




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On Karmic Retribution

I don't believe in guilt, but I do believe in the concept of karma, the universe's brand of justice.

The concept of guilt is , I believe, an outdated one. The next time you feel "guilty" of what you've done to someone, remember that in those instances, you are merely a vessel through which the universe dispenses karmic justice. I other words, you are their karma. And the severity of your actions matches the severity of that person's "crime."

For example, let's say you beat senseless the referee of your precious child's hockey game for a senseless high sticking call. What that means is that the referee must have beat another referee senseless for a senseless high sticking call. But should you be held liable for the referee's hospital bill and serve time? If one impregnates a woman during a one-night stand, she must have gotten a woman pregnant, either in this life or a past one. Should I be held responsible for child support? To both questions, our flawed legal system says yes, but the universe says no.


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Tear Down Your Wall!

For many years, I tried to use humor to win friends, attract women, and make money.

However, one day, when I hit rock bottom, I realized I had no friends, no women, and no money.

A light bulb went on. I realized that my humor was a wall. A wall that kept people and real feelings out. Heartbreak? Blocked. Disappointment? Shielded. But I also blocked the arrows of love, joy, and happiness. All kept out, I realized, to avoid life's roller coaster of emotions. But what I realized was that while the ups and downs were less high and less low, my roller coaster was now a straight line. It was a spiritual lithium, in addition to the chemical lithium I was prescribed.

But I've torn down the wall, which I call The Great Wall of Funny. And you know what? I have experienced highs and lows I never have before! Sometimes I will have a spontaneous cleansing sobbing jag at work! Sometimes I will just streak along a major thoroughfare for no reason! (My date on the night in question still has to tear down her Great Wall of Embarrassment and Indignation)

I hear voices I never heard before! Beautiful, joyful, crying, angry voices! I call them the Mongol Hordes of Feelings. They tell me to cry when I'm sad and hit when I'm angry, but never laugh, or the Wall goes right back up again.

I realized nothing is funny. Comedy is someone else's misfortune and pain and just thinking about Dude Where's My Car makes me want to cry. Laughter is just plain wrong.

Tear down your Great Wall and let those Hordes in! Let them pillage and wreak havoc on your psyche! Oh, the places you'll black out and go!

What are Your Vampire Bats?

Last night, I watched Dirty Jobs on the Discover Channel. The host ventured with researchers into a famous bat cave outside Austin, Texas, home to millions of bats. They had to put on waders to walk through all the guano. It was extremely dark in that cave, and it goes without saying—though I'll say it anyway—that bats love the dark.

It made me think of how often we enjoy being in the dark. We have sex in the dark, we sleep in the dark. The dark is good, right? In the dark, we can't see our problems, and we think things are great.

But you know who else likes the dark? That's right. Vampire bats. They can see in the dark. They can see you. They swoop in on you, attach themselves and suck your blood—your very lifeblood!—from you, draining you until you can't stand under your own power. Then you fall face first in the guano. And you don't even know why.

Why? Because it's dark! You can't see all the vampire bats clinging to you like furry, winged leeches with wings, draining you of the blood...the blood is the life!

But you don't turn into a vampire, oh no! You just die and decompose in the guano. But here I am, shining a light in your cave yo guide you out. At first you're horrified to see all those bats clinging to you, and you get mad at me—Me!—for showing you your vampire bats and demand that I turn off the light.

You even come to regard your bats as "cute" and "endearing," like your penchant for nibbling off other people's plates, and you don't want them to leave. You want me—Me!—to leave. Instead, I drag you kicking and screaming into the light. You try to run back. I tackle you. I tie you to a tree outside. You hate me, curse me, threaten to call the police. But wait! Where did the bats go? They ran shrieking from the light, back into their cave.

So, yes, we may like to be in the dark when it comes to our problems, but the dark is dangerous. Because of the vampire bats. We all have vampire bats in our life, draining us of our precious lifeblood—and our very souls. Here are some common ones:

• Spouse
• Work
• Family
• Friends
• Religion
• Coworkers
• Roommates
• The homeless
• Coworkers
• Bill collectors
• Supervisors
• Crossing guards
• Policemen
• Firemen
• Elevator repairmen
• Women
• Men
• Children
• Pets
• Stop signs
• Jury duty
• Yard work

What are your vampire bats?

Welcome!

Welcome to my self-help blog! Or should I say thank you for welcoming me into your computer and your MindHeart!

I have a unique view on life and the Universe gleaned from years of poring through self-help books in Barnes & Noble over an empty cup of coffee that I think can be beneficial to humans and other mammals, and I have a desperate need to share it.

This brings me to my first MindHeart Gem: To fill up the cup of knowledge that is you, you must be an empty cup. And if you want to spend hours researching the Universe at Barnes & Noble without being pestered by the staff, you must have an empty cup. No one's cup is emptier than mine.

My purpose, really, is not to write an "answer" column, as there are no "answers." Our desire for "answers" is merely our lizard brain trying to cope with the desert of existence, sticking its tongue out in a vain attempt to find food or love. The desire for answers leads to dogma. I am absolutely against dogma 100%! Any dogmatic person who says they have answers is wrong, wrong, wrong! Fundamentally and 100%! There are no answers!

And with that, I leave you with an empty cup.