What are Your Vampire Bats?

Last night, I watched Dirty Jobs on the Discover Channel. The host ventured with researchers into a famous bat cave outside Austin, Texas, home to millions of bats. They had to put on waders to walk through all the guano. It was extremely dark in that cave, and it goes without saying—though I'll say it anyway—that bats love the dark.

It made me think of how often we enjoy being in the dark. We have sex in the dark, we sleep in the dark. The dark is good, right? In the dark, we can't see our problems, and we think things are great.

But you know who else likes the dark? That's right. Vampire bats. They can see in the dark. They can see you. They swoop in on you, attach themselves and suck your blood—your very lifeblood!—from you, draining you until you can't stand under your own power. Then you fall face first in the guano. And you don't even know why.

Why? Because it's dark! You can't see all the vampire bats clinging to you like furry, winged leeches with wings, draining you of the blood...the blood is the life!

But you don't turn into a vampire, oh no! You just die and decompose in the guano. But here I am, shining a light in your cave yo guide you out. At first you're horrified to see all those bats clinging to you, and you get mad at me—Me!—for showing you your vampire bats and demand that I turn off the light.

You even come to regard your bats as "cute" and "endearing," like your penchant for nibbling off other people's plates, and you don't want them to leave. You want me—Me!—to leave. Instead, I drag you kicking and screaming into the light. You try to run back. I tackle you. I tie you to a tree outside. You hate me, curse me, threaten to call the police. But wait! Where did the bats go? They ran shrieking from the light, back into their cave.

So, yes, we may like to be in the dark when it comes to our problems, but the dark is dangerous. Because of the vampire bats. We all have vampire bats in our life, draining us of our precious lifeblood—and our very souls. Here are some common ones:

• Spouse
• Work
• Family
• Friends
• Religion
• Coworkers
• Roommates
• The homeless
• Coworkers
• Bill collectors
• Supervisors
• Crossing guards
• Policemen
• Firemen
• Elevator repairmen
• Women
• Men
• Children
• Pets
• Stop signs
• Jury duty
• Yard work

What are your vampire bats?