Achievement

Many people, maybe even you, think that you are your achievements.

Drive a stake right through that vampire bat!

Repeat after me: You (but substitute "I") are (substitute "am") not your (substitute "my") achievements. It's a good thing, because your achievements are meaningless. You have a bowling average of 210. Tell it to the ball polisher. You have the highest batting average in your softball league. So what? Your kids play hardball. You got an A- on your 4th grade math test, finally proving you understood long division. My childhood crush Kristine didn't care. She only liked boys who were good at sports.

My point is, no one cares. No one cares about your ridiculous achievements.

You're sad because you never became a rock star? You're 45 and never picked up a guitar.

So you see, there's no point in achieving anything. Or striving to achieve anything. Unless there is money involved. In which case, the achievement has practical value. Or if you have achieved really great things, like Jonas Salk curing polio, or the JONAS Brothers, you are safe in identifying with your achievements.

So go for it! Achieve nothing!

Coming soon: Achieve more!

Stop Hitting Yourself!

I often feel as if the universe is hitting me repeatedly in the head, with every job loss, every breakup, and every fraud conviction. I am sure you feel the same way sometimes.

What I realized, however, is that the truth is much more surprising. The Universe is like a bully who repeatedly pummels me with my own hand and says, "Why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself."

However, when I turn to confront my tormentor, I see no one there. Just my own hand, beating myself bloody. And then I laugh.




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Get up!

Shove the Big Fat Purring Cat of Obligation from your lap and enjoy life!


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Addicted to Love

In my "practice," I see quite a few people who are literally "addicted" to love. They cannot go without it for even one day. If their partner goes out of town on business or a fact-finding trip to Aruba, they immediately get sad and despondent. They want to talk to that person on the phone, or by email, or by carrier pigeon the entire time I'm away. They even want to tag along! They'll cry, "What facts are you finding in Aruba, anyway? Maybe I'd like to go, too! Have you thought about that? Have you thought about MY feelings for once?" It's really too much.

Truly, this addiction to love is a HUGE vampire bat, and it is pervasive in this on-the-go society, where everything is sold for one purpose. To make money. But besides that, to sell love. For money. These things—whether it's diamond rings, beer, or Shamwow—we believe, will bring us our love.

If love is an addiction, how do we break it? Cold turkey, like heroin. Lock yourself in a room with no windows or doors but 5 high-powered halogen lights. Stay like that for three weeks or until hunger sets in. You will be cured of your love addiction and, as a bonus, you will see dead people! The blindness is temporary.

But really, the best way to stop is to never start. And this is where you come in, mama and papa. You think you should provide love to your child whenever he wants it. Wrong, wrong, wrong. That way lies dependency and a life of prostitution in a vain attempt to make love, and money. Withhold that love and only bestow it on special occasions like hitting a home run in Little League or bringing home straight As. That's what my parents did, and look at me now!

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Daydream in the Moment?

Yesterday is but a memory, and as we have seen in Blade Runner, memories can be manufactured.

The future is but a frightening dystopia.

Therefore, the only answer is to live in the present. It's the only thing you know is real. Unless that's manufactured, too. Or frighteningly dystopic. In which case, it might be better to live in the past. Unless that was frightening. Or you can do what I do. Daydream!

People think that daydreaming is not living in the moment. But you can't daydream in the past or the future, right?

I say daydream your life away!

Nothing Succeeds Like Success!

People frequently ask me sometimes, "Do you learn more from success or failure?" The answer might not be so obvious. Most people will say failure. They assume that after failure we go over it, think about what went wrong and why, deriving some sort of "lesson."

This goes against reality. When you fail, what do you think? "I'm a failure, I'm worthless, I want to crawl in a cave a die." Right? How do you learn anything that way?

No, my friends, it's easier to learn when you succeed. Because then you're all "I'm great! I rock! Look at me, Ma, top o' the world, Ma! I will always succeed and nothing bad will ever happen to me!" That puts you in a much better frame of mind for self-reflection and learning. This is also why cokeheads are usually successful people.

Succeed succeed, succeed, and soon you'll have success!

The Tao Doesn't Lead to Bat Caves

The Tao, or Way, is endless; therefore, it cannot have dead ends, like bat caves. If you find yourself in a bat cave, being drained of your lifeblood by vampire bats, you have strayed from the Tao.